BREAKING NEWS(Satire): Three new Democrats have put forth a new bill they say will help protect drivers. In 2017, an estimated 37,133 people were killed due to automobiles in the U.S.. Out of that 37,133 deaths, 10,874 of them were due to drunk drivers. Meaning only 29% of car related deaths were caused by drunk driving. So, after careful consideration, three Democrat in the House of Representatives have put forth Bill-734. In this bill it states that 71% of car related deaths are due to "driving sober." Because of this, they want to ban sober driving, stating how much more dangerous it is than driving drunk. Spearheading this bill are ultra-progressive House members John Newstood(D-CA), Jill Pegger(D-NY) and Bill/Donna Kicker(D-IL). Rep. Newstood is who wrote the bill while Pegger and Kicker have helped to try and boost its popularity among fellow Democrats. Rep. Pegger cited the 71% sober deaths statistic and also claimed there is more road rage among sober drivers. Rep. Kicker, a gender fluid person who goes by both Bill and Donna depending on the situation, says that being a drunk driver is just who someone is. Claiming it is no different than saying one is male/female or straight/gay. The three representatives believe they can get the bill passed through the House and onto the Senate. The Democrats do in fact have control of the House of Representatives at the moment. But getting the bill to pass through the Republican controlled Senate is going to be a tough obstacle. Dean Choice(R-TX) a member of the Senate say the three Democrats pushing the bill might be "literally insane." Stating that taking away driving from lawful citizens will hurt the U.S. economically more than anything. Another Senate member asked how people would get to work, to the doctor or how kids would get to school. Newstood "clapped back" at the questions saying, "People would just have to stay legally drunk to continue driving," and was also quoted saying, "staying at and above 0.08 isn't that difficult. I do it everyday." Pegger and Kicker each said they were working on an extension for the bill that will include Pilots, ship captains and train engineers. Congress is set to vote on the bill sometime today. Any updates will be posted below.
UPDATE: Bill-734 was unable to make it though the House today. It lost in voting by a total of 5-Yes votes and 430-No votes. House Democrats have also decided to expel Newstood, Pegger and Kicker along with the two other House members who voted "yes." Majority House Speaker Lena Discus(D-RI) was quoted saying, "I've never heard of a bill so stupid." Newstood, Pegger and Kicker each declined to comment.
*This article is satire and is for entertainment purposes only. No real names of politicians were used.*